I have high cholesterol and mostly of the bad, LDL, kind.  I’ve been informed by my doctor I must stop eating trans fats or he will prescribe cholesterol lowering medicine.  If I refuse to take any meds and continue doing what I’m doing, he told me, I am at risk of having a heart attack.  Do not fear, dear reader, given my age, family history, weight, and physical condition, I have only a 1 in 20 chance of cardiac arrest but my doctor’s words scared me enough to do a little research about what the hell a trans fat is so I can stop eating them.

The web is a beautiful thing.  An encyclopedia at your fingertips.  Within moments I began compiling a list of all the trans fat foods I have to remove from my diet.  Things like cookies, cakes, potato chips, crackers, fast food, shortening, margarine, breakfast cereal (the good kind like Fruit Loops), energy bars, packaged foods, frozen foods, doughnuts, French fries, microwave popcorn, fried foods, non-dairy creamer, and refrigerated dough.  Well, you might as well fucking kill me right now.

How is a man supposed to live without eating the shit out of trans fat?  I can eat the 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies I just bought right now.  Cake?  What’s a birthday party going to be like for me now that I can’t have my cake and eat it too?  I’m sorry, a sandwich isn’t a sandwich without potato chips.  I must be some kind of dolt because I was convinced energy bars were good for you.  I missed the memo on that one.  I’ve been eating gruel for breakfast for years now but I sure did like me a bowl of Lucky Charms now and then.  I guess it’s time to say goodbye.  OK, I can do without frozen food dinners but man, there’s something about Banquet Fried chicken in a box which still makes my mouth water.  I don’t eat shortening or margarine so no loss there but no microwave popcorn?  Why don’t you stick a toothpick in my eyes.  Why watch a movie at home ever again?  Doughnuts are going to be somewhat of a sacrifice.  I have an old-fashioned glazed at least once a month.  That one’s going to be hard to give up.  Just like French fried potatoes.  Oh, man, me like French fries.  Me not know what to do with a side salad.  I’m not a big fried food guy so I can let that one go but to say goodbye to chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream?  Noooo!

You might be thinking I’m a spoiled piece of shit right now.  I’m not.  I hardly had any of this kind of food when I was growing up.  Now, when I’m supposed to be able to eat whatever I want, I can’t.  I’m a trans fatty.  This isn’t something to be proud of.  Better to take control of your own destiny now before it’s too late.  So, goodbye cookies, crackers, and potato chips.  Hello, red wine, almonds, and fruit.  Crap!