I can only stomach about 5 minutes of the TV show, “The Bachelorette” or “The Bachelor.”  I swear to God, if I watch only a little more than the previews, I get queasy.  It feels like my testicles are eroding away into the couch.  The producers select the most attractive, dysfunctional people to participate in this show, who I find it quite impossible that they can’t find themselves a nice man or a nice woman to settle down and have a nice life with.  I’m repulsed by the insincere words spoken and crazy selection process that takes place on national television.  It makes for great TV, but I would never, ever, go on this show except to be a total jackass.  Unless, I could go on , as a happily married man, with the complete and total understanding from my lovely, dear wife, this would be all in good fun and I could do whatever I wanted and she’d still love me in the end.  ABC would also have to keep my marital status secret until the last episode.  Pow!  So, what would I do?

Marriage really isn’t all about sex.  Dog women in, cat women out.  Women owning other pets would be given due consideration.  Acceptable animals include horses, white Tigers, non-lethal snakes.  Birds, Hamsters, and Gerbils are a definite no-no.  You need a canine to keep the wife company when you’re out with your buddies on the golf course.

She’d have to like sports and preferably my favorite sports teams.  Dodgers, Lakers, Rams, and Kings fans will be walking home.  Non-sports fans women will be sent home faster than a Matt Cain fastball.  If she doesn’t know who Matt Cain is, she should start packing her bags now.

Vegans out.  Meat lovers in.  Non-drinkers out.  Drinkers in.  Athletes in, non-athletes need not unpack.  Favorite foods must include chocolate, champagne, and sausages.

Intelligence earns you points, dumbassery loses you points.  A good sense of humor wins the day, while sour pusses are guaranteed an early exit.  Crying for anything but a family member or friend dying may result in immediate departures.

Cooking skills appreciated but not expected.  Living to eat must be more important than eating to live.  An appreciation of art is a minimum requirement.  Any woman who doesn’t know Monet, Diego Rivera, or Frida Kahlo may be asked to leave on the spot.

Dates would mostly be about attending sporting events, going out to eat, wine tasting, going to comedy clubs or working out.  Shopping will not be allowed.

But, the bombshell would drop on the finale, as I had but one rose to give and two, almost perfect, women to give it to.  When, BAM!  My wife would enter the room and I’d hand the rose to her.  OMG, am I genius or what?

I just hope ABC doesn’t steal my idea.