I was raised as a Christian Scientist.  This is hard for me to write about because I’m embarrassed to admit this.  Who believes in a cult whose belief system is built upon the premise human beings are not made of blood, brains or bones?  My well intended, but ignorant and insane parents who taught me the premise.

Every Sunday morning when I joined my parents at church services I never quite understood what the hell people were talking about.  The service began with two Lecturers standing before a podium taking turns speaking – one reading from the King James version of the Bible and the other reading scripture from “The Key to Science and Health” from none other than Mary ‘Baker’ Eddy. The Bible passages justified in the congregation’s minds the teachings of Ms. Eddy, who wrote in her book about the time when she broke her leg, didn’t seek medical treatment, and was ‘cured’ by prayer to God.  This so profoundly impacted her belief system, she wrote a book and created a religion.  The thought is humans are made only of ‘spirit.’

All sounded well orchestrated until about the last 30 minutes of the service when the “Testimonials” began from the pews.  Individuals would stand up randomly and talk about their “miracles.”  The stories were unremarkable coincidences only reinforcing their own misguided belief there was some divine intervention to save their day.  My dad always had a story.  Always.  None of them made any sense like the one we were saved from certain death when we discovered a gas station or a phone booth when he had to make a call.  The power of prayer at its finest to serve the needs of my pop.

Not one friend of mine was a Christian Scientist.  Not one.  I grew increasingly frustrated with my parents and their hypocritical explanations for why I bled when I cut my finger.  The apex of which was when I was playing Pop Warner football in the 8th Grade and my parents didn’t take me to the doctor when I tore knee ligaments after a practice.  “Pray about it,” my dad said.  “It’s not real,” my mom quoted.  “Pray.”  It wasn’t until I was sent to the school nurse, who insisted I go to a doctor after I could barely walk during P.E.  My knee had grown to the size of a volleyball and I could hardly stand.  I somehow convinced my mom she ‘had’ to take me, against her wishes, and she did so without telling my dad.  Talk about a miracle!  When the doctor said my knee was full of blood and it would need to be drained, I asked if I could watch the process.  The evidence was staring at me right in the face but my mom would have none of it when I tried to explain later.

In high school I stopped going to church after my dad left my mom.  I resumed going when I arrived at Shasta College in the Fall of 1980.  Christian Science was the only religion I knew and attending Sunday services, I thought, would give me some peace from being homesick.

I decided to take an Anatomy class in my second semester.  It became my favorite class.  I learned about how the human body is perfectly constructed to stand upright, to run.  How the muscles work.  Why we have bones and what their names were.  We had a voluntary opportunity to work on a cadaver and I jumped at the chance.  Some students couldn’t stand the thought and declined.  During our 1st interaction with the deceased, one woman fainted, another felt queasy and asked to leave.  I relished my opportunity to see for myself.  The assignment allowed us to cut into the flesh with a scalpel, to see the bones, the ligaments, the muscles.  The experience killed any lingering doubts I had about the lies of Christian Science.  I did have brains.  I did have blood.  I did have bones.  So did this dead guy.  So does everyone.

I quit going to church.  I stopped believing.  Not in God, quite the contrary, but in Christian Science I have suspended belief.  I believe in God.  I don’t believe in religion.  I believe in the mystery of faith.  I don’t believe in hate.  I believe in the things which bring you peace.  I don’t need religion to be a good person.  I just have to be good to myself and others.  I have the blood, bones, and brains to prove it.

Do you lose your mind when you lose something?

I cannot maintain one second of sanity as I spend my Sunday ravaging through piles of loose papers around my desk, inside my closet and even in my safe, as if this silly document I’m searching for were as important as my birth certificate, deeds to the cars, or the will.

I’m looking for my UCLA Extension Writer’s Program certificate. I’ve lost it and now I can’t find it. I’ve literally wasted hours searching for the damn thing. I don’t really need it for anything. I just want it and I want it now.

It doesn’t help being a disorganized mess. This drives the wife crazy. My desk, my car, my office at work has piles of paper everywhere. The thing is I thought I knew exactly where the certificate was and I’ve scoured this spot at least 3 times and have come up empty. What to do?

I have absolutely no idea where being disorganized came from.  Maybe my mother?

Mom is a hoarder and I readily admit I too hate to throw anything away. I’ve kept ticket stubs, game programs, receipts, notebooks, birthday cards, even Christmas letters from old friends. Hell, I’ve even kept my term papers from college. In my garage are boxes which contain stuff from 3 moves ago. My office contains boxes from my 12 years at NIKE. I’ve got 4 pairs of cleats and 5 hats in my car. By God if I were to throw any of this out I would temporarily lose my mind.  I once snapped at my dear 85-year old mother in-law because she threw away a months old Sports Illustrated magazine!

I know it doesn’t make any logical sense. I know I should keep my desk, my office, my car clean and free of clutter. I just can’t do it. Now, when I really want to find something, I can’t. I don’t want to talk to my wife about it because she’ll only scold me for being a slob. I don’t need scolding, I need to find my certificate. I want to relax. I want to stop stressing about it. This is a horrible feeling. I may have lost it for good.

Think. Where did I have it last? I really have no idea. It’s probably been 9 years since it was sent to me. Why today must I have it?

This is the kind of stuff which makes one feel a little batty. I should just let it go. I really don’t need the document for anything. What even made me think about it was I was looking at the framed picture of my MBA diploma from St. Mary’s when I thought it would be kind of nice to frame my UCLA certificate too and hang it alongside. Ay Dios Mio, here I go again, freaking out over my loss.

At times like this, my breathing is shallow and my insides are all torn inside and out like I have food poisoning. Woe is me. When I was younger I would pray to God to help me find my lost valuable. It never worked so I abandoned trying the divine route to a solution. I’m sure God was sending me the same message my wife does. Throw your shit away and get organized so you don’t lose the important stuff.

 

I finished my 2014 taxes yesterday.  No, I wasn’t procrastinating, though I do hate compiling my tax information to send to my Accountant.  It is prudent financial advice to file your taxes on the day they are due (April 15th) when you have to pay.  When you’re expecting a tax return is when you file as quickly as possible.  I’ve had to pay taxes for decades and I’m OK with that.

Yes, I am A-OK with paying taxes.  As the husband of an educator and brother of a firefighter, I know the importance of Federal, State, and local government-funded programs.  I want to be safe from harm.  I want a strong educational system.  With the 2016 presidential race right around the corner, I’m confident we will be bombarded with promises of lower taxes and smaller government but let me ask you this.  Would you, my American friends, rather not hear about how our tax money is being spent?

No matter whether you’re Republican or Democrat, the United States of America is still the greatest country in the world and it is thanks to our government.  We enjoy freedoms here like no other country in the world including the all important freedom of speech.  We have the strongest military.  We have the strongest opportunities to realize your ‘American’ dream, whatever that may be, from starting a business, to owning a house, to earning an education.  But, over time our government has built a spending juggernaut which no longer makes any sense to me.  We need to have a national debate about how the money is spent.

What I do have a problem with is 66% of our tax dollars fund social security, Medicare, safety net programs, and interest on our debt and 8% goes to our veterans, 3% to transportation infrastructure, 2% to education, and 2% to science and medical research.  I’m good with spending 18% on defense and I think more money should go to our veterans.  I want the USA to remain the strongest country militarily in the world.  Social Security and Medicare consume 48% of the Federal budget! People, don’t you think this is fucked up?

I’m not about to run for President – and I really couldn’t understand why anyone would – but if I were, my platform would be about flipping those numbers upside down.  Here’s where I stand.  Social Security and Medicare needs significantly reduced funding and transportation and education needs a gigantic boost.

I’d put the $851 billion Social Security slush fund right into transportation infrastructure.  How fucked up are US roads and bridges now where there’s a fucking traffic jam in every major city in the US, at any time of day or night, and literally unmaintained bridges could (and have) collapsed at any moment.  Why don’t we have bullet trains in the US?  Our rail infrastructure hasn’t vastly improved since the 1800’s.  Not to mention the nations ports, where explosive international trade has surged past the US’s ability to process all of the imports and exports.  Talk about social security.  Just think about how awesome it would be to once again have the best transportation system in the world.  Jobs would be created.  Trade would soar to new heights.  Whole industries would crop up.  I’d give 2% of my budget to help those poor souls who need Social Security to live.

Just think if we put the $511 billion which went into Medicare into education and science and medical research.  How many billions of dollars would be saved by putting dollars into finding cures vs. caring for sick.  I do believe every American deserves health care but I can’t fathom so little money going to the very thing we need to keep America remain competitive and healthy.  Our educators and medical researchers should be the highest paid professionals in the USA.  Sadly, they’re not.  The 3% currently spent on education and research of my budget would go to the uninsured souls who have no health insurance.

I got a little on my soapbox today.  This may seem out of character but it’s my 50th post and I thought I should get serious for once.  Sorry about that.  Besides, doing my taxes every year gets me thinking about where all my money went.  I’ll return to my regularly scheduled writing program of wit in two weeks.  In the meantime, my wife and mother in-law are out of bed and coming downstairs.  I better go put on my pajamas, get some coffee and go watch the last round of the Masters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In business, the Quarterly Review is a critical opportunity to pause and look back at all the things you accomplished in the last 90 days and gear up for the next 3 months.  Using this principle as my guide, let’s take a look at how close I came to my prognostications for January, February, and March 2015.  My guidance is prepare to be underwhelmed.

I came close to picking the NCAA National Title winner but I didn’t see THE Ohio State University beating Alabama and then Oregon in the 1st “College Football National Championship Game.”  I thought ‘Bama would beat up THE Buckeyes pretty good but then again I didn’t expect Cardale Jones to completely rise to the occasion and single handily defeat the Tide with a 3rd string quarterback’s game for the ages.  It was heroic and the very stuff sports dreams are made of.  Ezekiel Elliott dominated the Ducks in the title game and set a single game rushing record in the championship game.  Oregon had no answer for this punishing attack.  I am oh for one in January and I won’t be showing off my abs.  If you watch a lot of Sports Center on ESPN, you’ll know exactly what I mean about stomach displays for attention.

Things in February didn’t get much better.  The Patriots miraculously defeated the Seahawks on Malcolm Butler’s improbable interception.  The Seahawks were literally one yard away for the win until Mr. Butler stepped in front of Russell Wilson’s pass.  It was an incredible individual effort.  Just like Jermaine Kearse’s catch, which now no one will remember because of the immaculate interception.  So much has been written about Pete Carroll’s play call (which was actually brilliant because EVERYONE knew The Beast was getting the ball) but no one seems to be talking about how crazy good the interception was.  As a former high school cornerback, the slant is almost impossible to stop unless you guess and guess correctly.  Butler did and Tom Brady rightfully gave his cornerback the car Brady won for the MVP award.  This crazy ending of the Super Bowl makes me now oh for two.  The abs are still safely tucked away under my tee-shirt.

Which brings me now to the Cricket World Cup.  My favorite March sporting event after March Madness.  South Africa’s history of failure at the World Cup continues.  There will be no parades in Cape Town because New Zealand knocked out the South African cricketers.  The South African’s bowling just didn’t spin enough and the poor fielding were the root causes of their nail-biting loss.  But, South African sports minister Fikile Mbaula said he was proud of them.  Which is saying something.  Last year, he called them them “a bunch of losers” and “useless, unbearable individuals.”  Now if that’s not motivation from your sports minister, I don’t know what is.  No wonder they lost.

What have we gained from all of this?  Simply this – sports are unpredictable.  That’s why you play the games.  It’s the beauty of sport.  You never really know who is going to win.  At least, I don’t.  It is why I have an emotional connection to sports.  Why it’s a multi-billion dollar industry.  It’s why men and women play and it’s why men and women watch.  It’s also why sports predictions are so fun.  It’s all a big, fat guess.  I’ll check back in with you for my mid-year review to see if I’ve gotten any right.  For now, I’m simply oh for three.  Nine more sporting events to go.

My abs are hidden from view.

I have high cholesterol and mostly of the bad, LDL, kind.  I’ve been informed by my doctor I must stop eating trans fats or he will prescribe cholesterol lowering medicine.  If I refuse to take any meds and continue doing what I’m doing, he told me, I am at risk of having a heart attack.  Do not fear, dear reader, given my age, family history, weight, and physical condition, I have only a 1 in 20 chance of cardiac arrest but my doctor’s words scared me enough to do a little research about what the hell a trans fat is so I can stop eating them.

The web is a beautiful thing.  An encyclopedia at your fingertips.  Within moments I began compiling a list of all the trans fat foods I have to remove from my diet.  Things like cookies, cakes, potato chips, crackers, fast food, shortening, margarine, breakfast cereal (the good kind like Fruit Loops), energy bars, packaged foods, frozen foods, doughnuts, French fries, microwave popcorn, fried foods, non-dairy creamer, and refrigerated dough.  Well, you might as well fucking kill me right now.

How is a man supposed to live without eating the shit out of trans fat?  I can eat the 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies I just bought right now.  Cake?  What’s a birthday party going to be like for me now that I can’t have my cake and eat it too?  I’m sorry, a sandwich isn’t a sandwich without potato chips.  I must be some kind of dolt because I was convinced energy bars were good for you.  I missed the memo on that one.  I’ve been eating gruel for breakfast for years now but I sure did like me a bowl of Lucky Charms now and then.  I guess it’s time to say goodbye.  OK, I can do without frozen food dinners but man, there’s something about Banquet Fried chicken in a box which still makes my mouth water.  I don’t eat shortening or margarine so no loss there but no microwave popcorn?  Why don’t you stick a toothpick in my eyes.  Why watch a movie at home ever again?  Doughnuts are going to be somewhat of a sacrifice.  I have an old-fashioned glazed at least once a month.  That one’s going to be hard to give up.  Just like French fried potatoes.  Oh, man, me like French fries.  Me not know what to do with a side salad.  I’m not a big fried food guy so I can let that one go but to say goodbye to chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream?  Noooo!

You might be thinking I’m a spoiled piece of shit right now.  I’m not.  I hardly had any of this kind of food when I was growing up.  Now, when I’m supposed to be able to eat whatever I want, I can’t.  I’m a trans fatty.  This isn’t something to be proud of.  Better to take control of your own destiny now before it’s too late.  So, goodbye cookies, crackers, and potato chips.  Hello, red wine, almonds, and fruit.  Crap!

I’ll never win an Oscar. It’s too bad because I have what many would consider an iconic thank you speech. If I may ask for your indulgence as I articulate what I would say if given the opportunity.

Thank you to the Academy for this spectacular recognition of my remarkable performance. Thank you to the Casting Director who selected me for this part. I could not have won this award without an amazing costume, so thank you to the Costume Designer, whoever you are. If you dress the part, you become the part.  Thank you to my stunt man who took a helluva lot more punches, pratfalls, and car crashes than I would’ve endured. You are one tough son-of-a-bitch.  Thank you to my leading lady for not getting mad when my woody kept poking you in the stomach…you were the real pro. To my director, thank you for your coaching to bring about my metamorphosis.  Thank you to the cast.  I’m sorry I never got a chance to spend any time with you beyond the set.  I was just too busy.  We had the best crew and especially that wonderful kid who kept my trailer full of Cabernet, pistachios, and bacon wrapped dates. And thank you to the makeup artist for keeping me looking like I am still a young man even though we both know I’m old enough to be your father. Thank you to my parents, who made me and inspired me to be anything but them. Thank you to my brothers and sisters for laughing at my silly jokes, for looking up to me, and for your jealous, spiteful comments behind my back. Oh, I heard you, and your relentless teasing drove me to be better than I would’ve ever been. Thank you to my amazing friends who make me feel like I am important every time I walk into the room. A handshake and a heartfelt hug from you can motivate me for a whole week.  Thank you to my imaginary kids. I thank God that I never had any real ones.  Thank you to my High School Drama teacher, who coached me to never be afraid on stage and to practice, practice, practice.  With apologies to Allen Iverson, yes, I’m talking about practice.  The person who I am most thankful for is my incredible wife. She loves me so hard she wants to punch me in the mouth whenever I’m not the special man she thinks I am.  I’m still alive thanks to you.  Thank you for taking care of me.  Thank you for being by my side and pushing me to vacuum the floors every week.  You are my best director.

I’ve heard just enough about politics in other acceptance speeches.  Good God, an artist shouldn’t give a shit about politics except for one issue – promoting the Arts. If you’re going to be politically active, promote art programs in school.  I for one have heard one too many social issue diatribes from actors who mostly don’t have any idea what they’re talking about.  You’re an artist, damn it, so start acting like one and be incredibly thankful the medium still exists.  For without art, we are nothing but robots.

 

 

I love to cook in my Crock-Pot. You can say I’m a crackpot for my Crock-Pot. The benefits of slow cooking are numerous, as detailed by Rose Mary in a Consumer Reports website story from 2007, “This is because mainly fresh, wholesome ingredients are used in the cooking. The ingredients are cooked at a low temperature for a long period of time, thus they become extremely tender and delicious. As there is little evaporation, the food will not dry out. The natural juices from the meats and vegetables are retained in the pot, thus, the cooked food are nutritious as well as tasty.” The key word here is slow, which sadly, has become a 4-letter word.

On Sunday, I was grocery shopping for a few of the missing ingredients I needed for my incredible Beef Stew recipe, namely the Beef, but also Celery, Potatoes, and Beef Broth. Ahead of me in line at the 8 items or less checkout was a father and his hopelessly lost, mentally challenged, son. The father was about 10 years older than me, tall, skinny with wispy white uncombed hair and his son a 20 something struggler in a baseball cap and jeans with a steely determination on his face to get this PIN entering thing done and done right. Teeth firmly clenched to his stuck out of the side of his mouth tongue, the son punched keys furiously like a Court Reporter, while pop kept swiping his ATM card after each, fruitless, attempt.  The older gentleman looked on and patiently coached his son through the pushing of the correct keys. A mindless task for most of us. Clearly, the son was struggling as they kept after it through no less than four attempts.

I stared intently with deepening curiosity at to what was going on. I was in no rush. As a brother of a sister who had cerebral palsy I get patience. I don’t always have it for able-bodied and sharp minded others but I always did for my baby sister. I watched expressionless until the father realized he was holding me up and he apologized profusely. I shook my head and said, “no problem.” It really wasn’t. He seemed relieved.  They made it through, grabbed their groceries and strolled away probably never to be seen by me again.  A moment gone in a flash but surely a moment not lost on a man and his simple man-child.

We are a now, now, now, now, now, now, NOW culture. Heck, I remember a time in my lifetime there were no mobile phones, no laptops, no WiFi, no computers. You couldn’t shop on Sundays. You had to pay in cash or check. Credit Cards or ATM’s weren’t as ubiquitous as they are today. People talked to each other. Life seemed to crawl along but it wasn’t so bad. You had to work and work hard for gratification. That seemed just and wholesome.  It isn’t acceptable any more.  I can remember times with my sister, which were equally difficult, when the seemingly fast food order of Chicken McNuggets took forever.

Why have we lost our patience? Less empathic human beings make wise cracks, roll eyes, tap toes, maybe state an exasperated comment of, “C’mon!” Is patience all that too much to ask for those less fortunate than ourselves?  Joyce Meyer says, “Patience is not the ability to wait but how you act while you’re waiting.”  Just because something doesn’t happen right now doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen.  What makes it so hard to wait?

Have patience.  It’s more than just a virtue, it’s extremely tender and delicious just like my beef stew.

For the last 10 days or so anyone who has been around me knows I’ve been sick. This is somewhat of a remarkable admission because I never can bring myself to saying I’m not 100%. I don’t like to go to the doctor unless it is absolutely the last resort. I know I don’t want to get the people I love the most sick or my co-workers or anyone I come in contact with. I just have the mindset that this too will pass. Besides that I just can’t seem to come to grips why we have non-life threatening illnesses to begin with. Someday, I hope I get a chance to find out.

I’m not a big religious guy. I do believe in a higher power and I do believe in an after life. After I’m gone, hopefully many years from now, I really hope what happens next is something of a conversation, not so much a judgment day, as opposed to an opportunity to be more of a Q & A with the Holiness about the life I just lived.

One of the first questions I have is what’s up with the cough due to cold shit that I’ve been dealing with the last week? Seriously, the grossness of mucus being stuck inside my body and trying to expectorate it is absolutely no fun. For the life of me, I cannot understand any earthly benefit of this condition. Are you trying to tell me something, your Holiness?

I’m tired of feeling like crap. I finally broke down and went to Urgent Care where I was checked out and in otherwise fantastic condition. I left with a prescription for some cough suppressant with codeine that will help me and my lovely wife sleep without barking like a lonely dog every 5 minutes.

Believe me, I’m not asking for anything worse. I’m having way too much fun living and I want it to stay that way. But, I want to do it cough-free. I want to enjoy the things I enjoy doing without having coughing fits that could wake up the neighborhood. Phlegm is not sexy.

So, I will be heading out to the pharmacy soon to pick up my syrup and continue to ponder this silliness that we could all do without. I wonder if animals get colds? I can’t remember a time one of my dogs coughed or had a runny nose.  I really haven’t had any other pets but I just don’t recall reading anything about pets getting the flu.

Ah, so many life questions.  But, I think our higher power probably has a few of his or her own  about us.  I know I’ve done some really stupid things that certainly beg the question why.  Maybe I’ll never get the chance but I hope someday I will.  Life is sometimes unexplainable but I so badly want it to be.

Excuse me while I go blow my nose and ponder what other questions I’ll have for the Almighty.  When you cough as much as I have this last week, and you feel like you’re about to hack up a lung, you can’t but think up shit like this.

Happy New Year! Here in beautiful Portland, OR, USA, it’s 22 degrees Fahrenheit outside (-5.5 C). I’m sitting in my living room drinking coffee wearing my NIKE sweatpants and tee shirt with my faux fur lined slippers keeping my toes warm. I’m not going to waste your time sharing my resolutions for 2015. This year I’m going to predict the winners of the major sporting events in 2015.

January

The Oregon Ducks will win the inaugural College Football Playoffs over the Alabama Crimson Tide. It’s a matchup everyone in the country wanted and will receive. The Ducks 1st National Championship in Football will be celebrated with a parade in downtown Portland.

February

The Seattle Seahawks will become the first back to back National Football League champions since the 2005 New England Patriots. The Seahawks will once again face the Denver Broncos and calls for Peyton Manning’s inability to win more than one Super Bowl will be heard throughout the nation. The Seahawks championship will be celebrated with a parade in downtown Seattle.

March

South Africa will win their 1st Cricket World Cup. Millions of Americans will continue to believe cricket is nothing but an insect. The South Africans championship will be celebrated 3 times with parades in downtown Cape Town, downtown Pretoria and downtown Bloemfontein.

April

Tiger Woods will win The Masters for his 15th Major and first since the 2008 US Open.  The golf world will again be abuzz about whether or not Tiger will catch Jack Nicklaus’s record of 18 Major’s.  Tiger will be celebrated with a parade in downtown Jupiter Island.

May

Go write this name down right now.  You heard it here first.  Circassian will win the Kentucky Derby.  This 2-year old colt will become the king of kings.  The most wanted stud of studs.  Circassian will be celebrated in all his blazing glory with a parade in downtown Louisville.

June

The Women’s World Cup will be won on penalty kicks by the Germans.  These blond haired blue eyed fraulines have strength and style and a mean kick.  The USA will come close but not close enough.  Germany’s female footballers will be celebrated with a parade in downtown Berlin.

July

In the 17th Pan American Games to be held in Toronto, ON, Canada, the United States will win the most Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals for the 17th time.  The USA will medal in all 36 sports.  There will be no parades.  No American gives a shit about the Pan American games.

August

Australia will win their 12th World Championship of Netball.  The games will be played in Sydney and the Australians will have a large home crowd captivated to watch their team dominate again.  In downtown Canberra, the parade to celebrate the 11 Netballers will last 5 minutes and only the ladies parents will show up.

September

The World Rythmic Gymnastic Championships will once again be dominated by Russia’s Yana Kudryavtseva.  Weighing in at just 43 kgs she is a magician with ribbon, clubs, ball, and hoop.  I can’t wait to watch her performance on ESPN 8, the “Ocho.”  Yana’s parade in downtown Moscow will be cancelled because she’ll be jailed for disparaging remarks about Putin’s leadership.

October

It’s an odd numbered year, the San Francisco Giants cannot win Major League Baseball’s highest honor.  The World Series trophy will be hoisted by the St. Louis Cardinals.  Devasted by their loss in the National League Championship Series in 2014, the Cards will have the pitching, the hitting, the defense, and the desire to win it all in 2015.  The Cardinals will celebrate their championship with a parade in downtown St. Louis.

November

In an upset at the World Weightlifting Championships, I will win the 94 – 105 kg Snatch, Clean & Jerk and Total.  The International Weightlifting Federation will accuse me of not using steroids which will result in the IWF stripping me of my title and banning me for life from future competitions.  My parade in downtown Half Moon Bay will be cancelled.

December

It is hard to imagine anyone but Canada’s Rosannagh Maclennan winning the World Trampoline Championships.  Her Synchro in 2013 was breathtaking.  She is the reigning world champion and I can’t see anyone knocking her off the trampoline.  She won Gold at the 2012 Olympics.  After her win, Rosannagh’s parade in downtown King City will feature Molson beer.

Well, there you have it.  My predictions for 2015.  Check in from time to time for updates on how many of these I got right.  This is a test of my clairvoyance, my only skill  that gets better every year.

 

Dear Reader, at the beginning of the year, you read my 25 Resolutions and at the end of January you read an update on how I was doing.  As we close in on the last 2 weeks of the year, you deserve to know what I accomplished in 2014.  Here goes.

Shockingly, I’m not going to win the Nobel Prize in Literature.  Though, technically I’m still in the running.

This year, my chances to become the starting 2nd baseman for the San Francisco Giants were pretty good.  They had started 11 different men at 2nd base this year.  I was waiting for my phone to ring and then along comes Joe Panik.  Jesus Christ, this guy’s the best ballplayer they’ve had at 2nd since Robby Thompson.  It looks like I’m screwed for the next 10-15 years.

The only reason I’m not going to receive an Academy Award for Best Screenplay is because I didn’t write a screenplay.  Screw you  Academy!

I didn’t get to save someone from dying.  That was probably a good thing.

I didn’t change the tire of a complete stranger but it wasn’t due to lack of trying.  Damn AAA Road Side Service beat me every time.  Bastards!

Nursing a wounded animal back to health is harder than it looks and, for your information, the wounds on my arms from the rabid raccoon I discovered in the backyard have finally healed.

OK, here’s something I can proudly state.  I learned Italian.  I’m not fluent, mind you, but I got myself and Bon by for a month when we were in Italy during July.

I also toured Italy for 5 weeks with my dear wife.  It was the greatest vacation of our lives.

Oh, how I wish I hit the baseball hard every at bat.  This year was particularly gruesome at the plate for me but my team won the 35 and older league in Portland and I made a contribution.  I missed 4 games this year because of my travels but that’s no excuse.  I will be better in 2015.

In the field, I made the routine play 100% of the time and the spectacular play most of the time.  Oh heck, I made some errors but I’m still going to count this one as a win.

Oh, I read the PEN/O. Henry Prize Stories for 2013.  I read the shit out of them.  All 20 stories inspired me to write.

Yeah, I played basketball at NIKE with some of my work colleagues.  Yeah, I broke the full court press.  I also got dunked on.

I didn’t get my 1st hole-in-one and I didn’t buy drinks all around.

I exercised 5 times a week, sometimes more.  My body stay vicious.  I be up in the gym just working on my fitness.

I drank red wine 7 times a week, sometimes a day.

I cooked something new every Sunday night.

I lived to eat.

I ate to live.

I didn’t win the Lottery.

I didn’t free all animals in shelters.  I will if I win the Lottery.

I fight racism.  I’m just sad I still have to.

I help those in need.  Always.

I didn’t get a standing ovation at Karaoke but then again it’s only because I didn’t go this year.

I went to Mass on Easter and will go on Christmas Eve to beg forgiveness for all my sins.  This one is a must.

I watched or played sports every single day in 2014.  Sports are in my DNA.

Final tally – 13 out of 25.  This was a great year.  I expect 2015 will be even better.  Keep checking out this blog and telling me what you think of my writing.  After all, I’m writing this blog for you.

Ciao.