In a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon, President Tweet tearfully addressed the United States of America and the world with remarks you would have to read to believe. He admitted that the first ten weeks of his administration have been a total failure and promised to do better. He looked right into the camera lens and apologized for this childish behavior and begged for forgiveness.

He explained how he stole the election from Hillary Clinton by working with the Russian government to guarantee his success on November 8, 2016. He admitted his backroom dealings enabled Putin to blackmail him and that he is in a very compromising position.  President Tweet said he didn’t know how he was going to get out of his predicament except to continue to cosy up to Moscow and treat him as our friend and not our foe.  He said it was a real pisser.

He announced that overnight he had fired Mike Pence as the Vice President and named his daughter Ivanka to replace him. He cited that Ivanka was a great person — always pushing him to do the right thing.  Chief Justice Roberts swore her in as the 49th Vice President. The fact Mr. Pence will not have dinner with any woman other than his wife was something President Tweet just couldn’t stand for. The President cited his deep appreciation and respect for women as the reason he could no longer work with Mr. Pence. President Tweet acknowledged he pays quite a lot of money to make sure he has a meal with different woman every night.

Sensing the probable filibuster of his Supreme Court nominee, the President removed Neil Gorsuch from the nomination process and instead decided to nominate Merrick Garland. Citing former President Obama’s superb judgment and that Mitch McConnell was an asshole for not even considering Mr. Garland as the Supreme Court nominee, President Tweet concurred with the majority of Americans this was only the right thing to do.  Gorsuch couldn’t be reached for comment.

He next tackled the environment and confessed that climate change was in fact real. He announced a new plan to cut all forms of energy harmful to the environment like coal and oil production. Instead, President Tweet announced the United States of America would use wind and solar power to service the needs of the entire country. The budget dollars to pay for this change in strategy would come completely from the military budget and from increased taxes on coal and oil industries.  He wanted America to become known for its hot air.

Turning to foreign affairs, the President bowed deeply and said he was sorry for all the offensive things he has said about other countries. He said the United States would rejoin the Transpacific Trade Partnership (TPP) and he would drop his idea to renegotiate NAFTA. Trump said his administration would continue to support NATO at all costs because he recognized the United States needs a strong Europe. He condemned the British government for Brexit but said he would make sure to help both England and the EU in the transition.

He said he would stop calling bad news stories about his administration as fake news.  The president talked warmly of the press and realizes now how important it is to get the reporters on his side.  He sharply criticized Sean Spicer for trying to make excuses for his bad behavior and asked him to step down.  It was then that Bernie Sanders emerged and introduced as the new White House Press Secretary.

Finally, he asked that a formal meeting with the Democratic and Republican Party leadership be held on Monday at the White House so that he and Republicans can come together, reach mutual ground, and move the country forward.  It was an incredible about-face from a man who has discounted every liberal idea as simply un-American.

The president’s final remarks were the most shocking, “Thank you, may Allah bless you, and may Allah bless America!”

APRIL FOOL!