I’ll never win an Oscar. It’s too bad because I have what many would consider an iconic thank you speech. If I may ask for your indulgence as I articulate what I would say if given the opportunity.

Thank you to the Academy for this spectacular recognition of my remarkable performance. Thank you to the Casting Director who selected me for this part. I could not have won this award without an amazing costume, so thank you to the Costume Designer, whoever you are. If you dress the part, you become the part.  Thank you to my stunt man who took a helluva lot more punches, pratfalls, and car crashes than I would’ve endured. You are one tough son-of-a-bitch.  Thank you to my leading lady for not getting mad when my woody kept poking you in the stomach…you were the real pro. To my director, thank you for your coaching to bring about my metamorphosis.  Thank you to the cast.  I’m sorry I never got a chance to spend any time with you beyond the set.  I was just too busy.  We had the best crew and especially that wonderful kid who kept my trailer full of Cabernet, pistachios, and bacon wrapped dates. And thank you to the makeup artist for keeping me looking like I am still a young man even though we both know I’m old enough to be your father. Thank you to my parents, who made me and inspired me to be anything but them. Thank you to my brothers and sisters for laughing at my silly jokes, for looking up to me, and for your jealous, spiteful comments behind my back. Oh, I heard you, and your relentless teasing drove me to be better than I would’ve ever been. Thank you to my amazing friends who make me feel like I am important every time I walk into the room. A handshake and a heartfelt hug from you can motivate me for a whole week.  Thank you to my imaginary kids. I thank God that I never had any real ones.  Thank you to my High School Drama teacher, who coached me to never be afraid on stage and to practice, practice, practice.  With apologies to Allen Iverson, yes, I’m talking about practice.  The person who I am most thankful for is my incredible wife. She loves me so hard she wants to punch me in the mouth whenever I’m not the special man she thinks I am.  I’m still alive thanks to you.  Thank you for taking care of me.  Thank you for being by my side and pushing me to vacuum the floors every week.  You are my best director.

I’ve heard just enough about politics in other acceptance speeches.  Good God, an artist shouldn’t give a shit about politics except for one issue – promoting the Arts. If you’re going to be politically active, promote art programs in school.  I for one have heard one too many social issue diatribes from actors who mostly don’t have any idea what they’re talking about.  You’re an artist, damn it, so start acting like one and be incredibly thankful the medium still exists.  For without art, we are nothing but robots.